When I feel down

Today I am a failure: when I feel like a failure, I like to tadabur qur'an and listen to 'a boy named charlie brown'. Or eat BR. or go to the park. These are a few of my favorite things...

Piecing together the pleasant past

Pleasures, oceans, leaves, flowers,
Green, woody, shady, home.
Secrets, solitude, silence, serene.
Alone but not lonely. Pleasure. Poems.

Kites.
Cartoons. Hope. Normal. Normal. Normal.

A piece of my past. Pleasant. Perfumed.

(Sometimes pieces is all you need. Grammar is so frustrating, no?)

All pics are googled.

My stand and campaign on birthing

Please take a few minutes to enlighten yourself:

Excerpts taken from:

http://www.sun2surf.com/article.cfm?id=11875

.....

Excerpt 1
Another consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist, Dr Ashar Abdullah, admits that placing a woman on the conventional labour bed is more for the medical staff’s convenience than for the mother’s comfort.

Excerpt 2
Choong says the practice of delivering in a supine or semi-sitting position spread worldwide as more and more doctors and midwives trained in the West. “Eventually, the natural event of birth became medicalised. We think all childbirth has the potential to be dangerous when the majority are very normal events,” Choong observes.

Excerpt 3
Both Choong and his wife began doing more research. Christine says active birthing gained momentum because women in the West started to rebel against the medical technology that took over the natural process of birthing.

Excerpt 4
Rather than being confined to a bed during labour, Choong and Christine tell women who choose active birthing to walk about, lean forward, kneel, squat, sit astride a chair, lie sideways, rock or circle their hips during labour.

Excerpt 5
“They can use their partner, pillows, bean bags, chairs, stools, birth balls, a birthing wheel or the wall for support,” Christine explains. She adds that she tells women to bring in their favourite music and scents, massage oils, a hot pack, and extra pillows for the birthing.

Excerpt 6
Choong explains that when a woman delivers without the aid of an epidural (a spine-administered anaesthetic), the body releases endorphins — natural painkillers — that ensures that the mother and baby are more alert and responsive to each other immediately after birth. “This may be an important link in mother-baby bonding and helps the baby take to breastfeeding faster,” Christine adds. It also ensures that women have more positive memories of giving birth.

Excerpt 7
Some medical staff are not supporters of active birthing because it is messier and they may have to get down on their hands and knees to observe the delivery.

Excerpt 8
Choong says that when he first started allowing active birthing, the nurses and midwives were not sympathetic. “But, gradually, they have become more supportive.”

Excerpt 9
“It’s about empowering the woman,” Ashar adds, “so that she can make a choice about how she wants to deliver.”

.....

My note:
Yes, I DO promote active @ natural @ gentle birthing ABOVE 'conventional methods' for mothers with low-risk pregnancies.

Hasn't history, in fact hasn't the Qur'an taught us how the acquisition of 'ilm elevates a human being above everything else EXCEPT ALLAH?

I DO NOT TRIVIALISE the medical profession and/or the medical field.

I still go for monthly antenatal check ups and regularly consult doctors. I respect and look up on doctors for their 'expertise'.

But you must agree that just like any other field of 'knowledge', it evolves; meaning sometimes some parts of it diminishes to be relevant, some parts are always relevant, some parts are discovered; etc.

That which always, always, remains as true, -and you know it- is that which comes from ALLAH. That, is the only absolute truth, remaining true and relevant all the time till the end of time.

YES, without a doubt when you need help with English, you ask for help from an English teacher. When you need to repair your car, air-conditioner, telephone, computer, etc, you call up those who can fix it.

And when you HAVE PROBLEMS with your pregnancy or birth, you see a obgyn. But before that, you'd have to KNOW that it is a problem, and not something normal which is happening.

If car mechanics and electricians are capable of deceiving you or over-charging you, then why not doctors? But a deceiving doctor is NOT the issue here.

The issue lies with, is pregnancy and birth a medical event? Do you know? What is so wrong with learning?

DOES NOT ALLAH AND RASULULLAH S.A.W ASK US TO LEARN?

What I am fighting for women and mothers to see is that the female body and infants has survived for millions of years before birthing was being made a 'medical event' at the hospital.

The factor of their survival is not indebted to the 'progress' of the medical field, at least not absolutely and not globally. Stop this blind ignorant adoration of the medical field, doctors and hospitals.

Such adoration is DUE AND BEFITTING only for ALLAH: The Creator, not His Creation(s) and such fallible / tangible aspects. In fact, that is what you believe in and preach.

I cannot stress enough about the importance about acquiring knowledge: don't you all believe that 'ilm is a VERY CRUCIAL ASPECT in the rasmul bayan ahamiyah syahadatain and mawani' ma'rifatullah?

Isn't it?

Isn't that what you preach to people? Isn't that what you invite people to? To knowledge and light?

Robin Hood: Did he erect justice?

Pic googled: Question: Can Robin Hood's way of justice be justified? What is Islam's POV?




Pic googled: Islam is our flashlight, guide for our way, our decisions, behaviour and even our mis-behaviour.

Indah nya islam ni sebagai panduan dan penyuluh sikap, pandangan, reaksi, perbuatan, dan keputusan dalam hidup, KERANA semua nya di berikan panduan, setidak-tidak nya basic guideline, jika tidak sudah diberikan contoh yang nyata dari contoh Rasulullah SAW.

Lagi lagi dari segi aspek sosial manusia, dari makan, minum, mandi, tidur, memberi hadiah, adab-adab perhubungan, pergaulan, perjanjian, perdagangan, mengawal dan mengurus emosi: sisi-sisi yang sangat relevan dalam kehidupan seharian kita.




Antara juga yang di beri garis panduan ialah dalam menegakkan hak kita (claiming our right) dan menegur kesalahan. Allah memberi garis panduan utk kebaikan kita.

(If people don't abide by the guideline and thus do wrong to us, we will be defended by Allah. Whenever we feel we want to do something to satisfy our anger, desire/etc against that which Allah has permitted, just rationalize, would Allah defend us? Can our action/decision really be justified?)

Persis bila kita buat kesalahan atau tersedar kita dalam kesalahan. Kita tentu mahu menjaga aib kita serta malu jika org tahu.

Garis panduan yg Allah beri kan applies to everyone. 'Aib must be kept, not disclosed.




Pic googled: We want justice when we are wronged by someone else: we must also want justice when we have done wrong. Even criminals have rights.

We can't just be happy that it applies to our 'aib, wrong doings, misgivings and faults YET be angry that it also applies to someone else when they commit a wrong-doing.

If we don't like or want our wrongdoings however big or small be known to public, nor would someone else. The reason?




The reason or The blessing that we need to see, behind why Allah forbids us from publicizing a person's wrongdoing (to a certain extent, thus disclosed only within guidelines given by Islam) is because Allah gives every 'criminal' a chance to change, and Allah forgives and accepts repentance (a changed person), very unlike humans.

It's hard to remember this when we are wronged, I agree. Sometimes we are too angry and bent on getting justice erected as soon as possible.

And how about when it is the other way around? Being only human, we cannot say we've never done wrong, however small or petty it seems. Whatever is wrong, is a sin, and an 'aib (something we feel shameful about). So the equation is simple, regardless of a small or big 'crime'.

In a hadith, Rasulullah SAW has informed us about how Allah forgave a man WHO MURDERED a 100 persons when he wanted to repent.




Pic googled: do not take 'justice' into our own hands and definition: Islam does not accept 'justice' as defined by Robin Hood: his cause was true, correct and noble, but his means does not justify his intentions.

So we need to be moderate in our 'punishment' towards those who do wrong to us and those we love and protect. We need to be guided by guidelines: seeking the guidelines when we don't know, and try our best against ourself to abide by them: because we are muslims, because we love Allah. Because we fear only Allah, because we stand up for what is right, and even a person who has done wrong STILL has rights and a dignity which Allah perserves, so must we (perserve it).

Because we are also, to some extent, Allah's servants guilty of some wrong doing. And Allah has perserved our dignity, and hidden our faults from public knowledge. Be merciful and patient, Allah spares no arrogant wrong-doer from severe punishment, and Allah abandons not any person from getting justice.

Wallahua'lam.

Pregnancy Diary: Sharing A Reverie

There's something alive and moving inside of me!

It is part of me, and it is not part of me, subhanallah.

Maha suci Allah kerana memberi aku peluang hidup sebagai seorang wanita yang hamil. Terima kasih Allah, terima kasih Allah.

To all my sisters out there who are preggy or who once was, let's cry tears of gratitude together and beseech Allah to bathe our hearts in more and more Light: knowledge, gratitude, patience, love, etc.

Maha Suci nya Allah, Maha Agung nya Allah, dan Maha Tinggi dan Bersih nya Allah dari kecacatan, kesilapan, kelemahan. Tuhan yang mencipta system kemampuan 'seorang' manusia, untuk hidup dengan selamat dalam badan manusia lain.

Tuhan yang sama, yang telah masukkan 'software' untuk melahirkan dalam 'hardware' kita: badan wanita.

I feel that there will never be enough paper and ink to record the Praises and awe due for Allah, for THIS creation of His alone, yet He has created the whole world and everything in it!

Ya Allah! How great you are and how ingrateful and careless I am!

My baby kicks again, do you share this reverie with me, my child? Your mother is not always an obedient and calm and collected servant. No, not even after my first birth, I am not yet a steadfast servant. Eventhough my first birth was an event to me which was very, very meaningful in potraying to me Allah's mercy, tenderness and love, and simply, His Greatness.

Steadfast. Yazid wa yankus. Harap dan takut: khauf wa raja'. Sabr. Adjectives for the hasty and forgetful me. Thank you Allah, for chance after chance after chance after chance to dust myself up and try again, and for keeping my shortcomings a secret except that which I disclose, I repent for doing so.

He / she moves again, slowly. Thank you Allah. Thank you Allah..............

"EDD OVERDUE": Tiga test untuk di cuba (3)

(for credits, please refer to first entry)

view previous entry here

3. Contraction Stress Test: The CST is a tiny test dose of labor that assesses whether or not the baby is able to tolerate the stress of contractions. While baby's heartbeat is electronically monitored, uterine contractions are stimulated either artificially by pitocin or naturally by nipple stimulation. What you are looking for here is 'a negative', meaning that during three normal contractions baby's heart rate patterns remained normal. The CST usually takes several hours to complete. The CST is done only when the NST is abnormal. For the best interest of the baby, mothers should prefer to work on nipple stimulation to release natural oxytocin (to start labor/contractions) rather than expose baby to the stress of artificial contractions from pitocin. The CST (and other tests) are fully capable of giving FALSE RESULTS, indicating danger when there is none. Therefore, a positive CST does not always mean baby needs to be born by c- section, rather it indicates that the birth attendants needs to monitor baby more closely during labor and intervene if there are definite signs of fetal distress. Wallahua'lam.

Disclaimer: (This disclaimer applies to all three entries) These entries are not meant to replace consultation with a doctor. Please be advised to do more readings, and ask Allah for guidance.

"EDD OVERDUE": Tiga test untuk di cuba (2)

(for credits, please check first entry)

2. Biophysical profile: Combines the NST (see first test) with other ultrasound assesments of fetal well being: reactive heartbeat, breathing movements, muscle tone of limbs, movement of body and quantity of amniotic fluid. Baby gets 'a score' for each of these components. BPP may be repeated once or twice weekly. BPP is used to monitor high-risk mothers during last weeks of pregnancy and postterm pregnancies. (note: again, DON'T let the doctor or hospital intimidate you into being induced without true necessity. Would you believe a machine if it told you your 'date of death'? Then why do we put so much trust in a machine which 'TELLS US' when our baby is due? Did you notice that your EDD CHANGES EVERYTIME YOU HAVE A SCAN? Subhanallah! Allah knows, and man knows not!)

See the next entry

"EDD OVERDUE": Tiga test untuk di cuba (1)

Note: Maklumat ini semua copyright William and Martha Sears, di petik dan di olah dari 'The Birth Book'.

1. Nonstress Test atau NST: (pg 98) The NST is based on the observation that the heart rate of a healthy baby accelerates by about fifteen beats per minute for fifteen seconds when the baby moves unless he or she is being deprived of oxygen (note: while you are sitting down, an ultrasound electronic fetal monitor is placed across you and baby's heart rate is recorded. You signal when you feel baby move, and the change in fetal heart rate during movement is observed on the monitor.) When two increases in fetal heart-rate patterns are noticed during a 20-minute test period, the NST is considered normal or reactive. When no significant increase in heart rate is noted during a 40 minute test period the NST is considered abnormal or nonreactive. Considerations: The NST is most accurate when the pregnancy is near term...most often used either in a high-risk pregnancy or to assess fetal well being postterm. (note: most of the time it is a false alarm, baby may be sleeping so PLEASE repeat the test later in the day. If nonreactive or repeated, consider asking to perform the next two tests. DON'T LET THE HOSPITAL OR DOCTOR SCARE YOU UNNECESSARILY. They are just normal human beings with limited knowledge). See next entry.

Kelahiran persis kapal di lautan (Revised)

Melahirkan persis kapal di lautan. Pic googled

Salam buat yang ku cuba cintai kerana Allah, 

Saat melahirkan (dari first stage) adalah antara kondisi-kondisi puncak di mana kita boleh guna kan untuk meningkatkan ketaqwaan, kesyukuran dan kebergantungan kita kepada Allah. 

Saat melahirkan bukan waktu nya memperkuatkan keyakinan dan menyerahkan diri kita pada seorang doktor, sebuah hospital dan bidang perubatan.

(Dan sebenarnya persepsi minda ini perlu di baja dan di pupuk sejak mula hamil)

Kenapa? 

Kerana saat itu tiada siapa dapat benar-benar mengawal dan menjangka kan apa yang akan berlaku. 

Walaupun doktor anda akan bercakap dengan yakin, tapi dia hanya manusia biasa. Saya berani kata kan, siapa yang tidak merendahkan diri kepada kawalan, dan kekuasaan Allah atas makhluk, adalah manusia yang sangat angkuh.Contoh nya sewaktu melahirkan. Tidak ada pakar waktu itu. Tiada siapa menguasai situasi. Hanya 'system default' yang telah Allah sedia kan, melainkan apabila system itu di usik dari 'factory setting' nya. 

Yang kini sering di bukti kan dengan bidang perubatan yang dengan angkuh nya seperti ingin mengatakan; kami dapat menjangka kan semua nya, kami ada solusi dan jawapan untuk semua keadaan, sebagai *pesakit anda patut menyerahkan diri anda sepenuhnya kepada penjagaan kami; anda tak perlu tahu apa-apa dan tidak mungkin akan lebih tahu mengenai kehamilan dan melahirkan dari kami.

(*seorang ibu yang hamil bukan seorang yang ada 'penyakit'!)

Saat melahirkan, beserta "peserta-peserta nya" persis seperti seorang nakhoda kapal yang berada di lautan:  Cuaca di laut boleh cuba DI JANGKA dan DI RAMAL dengan KETERBATASAN ILMU MANUSIA,  dan ramalan cuaca ini walaupun berguna, tapi kita tetap perlu bergantung dan yakin pada ALLAH SEBAGAI PEMILIK DAN PENCIPTA LAUT. Allah yang mencipta laut, oleh itu, sepakar-pakar mana pun pakar laut, 'pakar' itu masih TERBATAS ILMU NYA.

Persoalan nya kini ialah, kenapa ramai ibu-ibu hamil dan pasangan mereka (termasuk nenek-nenek dan atuk-atuk, dan lain-lain) tidak yakin bahawa Allah telah siap 'program'kan badan wanita untuk melahirkan? Oleh itu, melahirkan ialah satu tindak balas NORMAL badan wanita, bukan satu 'penyakit'.

Kaitan nya dengan analogi kapal di lautan ialah; kini kita terlalu memandang tinggi (kepada  bidang perubatan dan ahli-ahlinya) dan menyerah diri (kepada mereka) tanpa usaha mencari ilmu mengenai kehamilan dan kelahiran. Persis seperti kita menyerah diri kepada nakhoda kapal, seolah-olah dia lah 'pakar' laut, (kelahiran) 'pakar' kapal (badan wanita).

Perhatikan glosari di bawah; yang mana satu persepsi kita?
Analogi kelahiran persis kapal di lautan: Siapa anak kapal (pemerhati atau assistant)? Siapa nakhoda? Siapa kapal? Siapa laut?

BIRU: Persepsi yang Betul / Sebenarnya/ :

1. Nakhoda = Factory setting dan system default untuk melahirkan yang telah Allah sediakan dalam badan wanita

2. Kapal = Keadaan yang cuba di perhati dan di bantu jika perlu (proses kelahiran dari tahap 1 ke tahap 3)

3. Laut = Faktor-faktor di luar kawalan (Dalam kawalan dan kuasa Allah)

4. Anak kapal = Doktor, bidan dan jururawat

MERAH: Persepsi yang Salah/ Kebiasaan yang perlu di betulkan:

 1. Nakhoda = Doktor

 2. Anak kapal = Ibu yang melahirkan

3. Kapal = Badan 'pesakit' yang sedang melakukan sesuatu yang abnormal

4. Laut = Faktor-faktor yang sepenuh nya dalam kawalan doktor dan bidang perubatan

Untuk membetulkan apa yang biasa, dan membiasakan apa yang betul memerlukan usaha dari kita iaitu menimba ilmu. (Meluangkan waktu membaca, membaca, dan membaca, mengikuti kursus childbirth, etc)

Dalam kehidupan kita sehari-hari, kita jarang terasa di letakkan dalam situasi 'luar kawalan', lalu kita senang berasa semua nya 'dalam kawalan' kita. 

Padahal, dalam kehidupan dan kegiatan seharian kita yang mungkin sekali mundane, rutin, bosan, dan 'predictable', kita sentiasa bergantung pada Allah. Kita hanya akan tersentak sedikit apabila ada masalah untuk melakukan rutin-rutin itu: apabila kita tidak mampu untuk makan, minum, tidur, bekerja, memandu, dan lain-lain. (Dan mungkin juga apabila ini berlaku, kita masih tidak sedar kebergantungan kita kepada kuasa dan kawalan Allah)

Oleh itu, di sini saya ingin menyarankan kepada para suami, isteri, ibu dan ayah untuk memuatkan kelahiran dan melahirkan bayi sebagai peringatan kepada kita mengenai keluasan dan kehebatan kuasa Allah atas kita, keterbatasan kita SEMUA sebagai hamba yang lemah (termasuk keterbatasan pengetahuan, ilmu dan kepakaran bidang perubatan), lalu yang tinggal hanya lah kebergantungan yang besar pada Allah. 

Yang mengawal situasi, yang menyelamatkan, yang pakar pada saat itu BUKAN doctor atau jururawat atau bidan. Mereka hanya pembantu yang memerhati dan memberi bantuan YANG PERLU, JIKA di perlukan dan APABILA di perlukan.

Tapi kini apa yang biasa ialah saat melahirkan itu sudah di ubah factory setting nya dari mula, cuba di kawal dengan kemodenan, kemajuan dan kehebatan teknoloji konon nya. Untuk mengoptimalkan masa dan tenaga, konon nya. Untuk kemudahan dan kebaikan ibu, malah semua yang terlibat konon nya. Soal nya; benar kah semua nya berniat baik dan sebenar-benar baik untuk manusia?

Apa kah tidak baik, malahan tidak perlu manusia ada ilmu mengenai melahirkan? Mengapa tidak? Adakah melahirkan dan kehamilan persis di jangkiti penyakit? Adakah kehamilan dan melahirkan itu sesuatu yang abnormal, sesuatu yang tidak sepatutnya berlaku pada badan wanita? Apakah bidang perubatan ‘Sakit Puan’ sama dengan bidang ‘Perbidanan’? Adakah perempuan yang hamil itu seorang yang ‘berpenyakit’?

Meyusuri sejarah bidang ini akan mendedahkan kepada kita bagaimana kehamilan dan melahirkan merupakan sesuatu yang telah di ubah dari normal dan alami kepada sesuatu yang abnormal dan memerlukan campur tangan doctor untuk berlaku.

Sebetul dan sebenarnya? Adakah kita sentiasa memerlukan kedai telifon untuk membuat panggilan telifon? TIdak! Kita tahu bagaimana menggunakan telifon bimbit kita. Begitu juga dengan melahirkan; kehadiran doctor, bidan dan jururawat ialah sekadar JIKA kita memerlukan bantuan kecemasan kerana sesuatu yang abnormal berlaku, dan keadaan ini tidak SEMESTINYA berlaku, MELAINKAN kita sudah BENARKAN ada campur tangan proses alami melahirkan dari mula.

Soothing Relief

pic googled: Turning to Allah is a soothing balm for (any) pain in our soul

 (Note: This entry is especially dedicated to me: myself)

Ummi Musa: There is no better remedy and relief to a pain or illness, be it physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, than seeking sunnah ways to improve my/our relationship with Allah.

The ways are natural, easy and familiar; a path into open, loving, welcoming 'arms'. I/We just need to walk ourselves through it. Man may bother me/us; Allah relieves my/our pain, and rewards my/our patience, my/our behaviour,  and for my/our turning to Him. Now, if only I can remember this always :-/

Everytime you feel like you cannot go on
You feel so lost and That you're so alone
All you is see is night And darkness all around
You feel so helpless, You can’t see which way to go
Don’t despair and never lose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah
Insha Allah
Insha Allah
Insya Allah you’ll find your way

Everytime you commit one more mistake

You feel you can’t repent And that its way too late
You’re so confused, wrong decisions you have made
Haunt your mind and your heart is full of shame
Don’t despair and never lose hope
Cause Allah is always by your side

Insha Allah
Insha Allah
Insha Allah
Insya Allah you’ll find your way


Turn to Allah, He’s never far away
Put your trust in Him, Raise your hands and pray

O Ya Allah, Guide my steps don’t let me go astray

You’re the only one who could show me the way,
Show me the way

Insyaallah
Insya Allah
Insya Allah
Insya Allah we’ll find the way

Pregnancy Diary: An insult to mankind

pic googled

Bismillahirrahman nirrahim

I am a person who is somewhat easily affected by stuck-up, unfriendly behaviour. Saying so, I can therefore very easily become a loyal patron to any shop with attendants who greet me with amiable smiles. This time around (for my second pregnancy), I have become extra sensitive to stuck-up, unfriendly officers/attendants as well as those who are amiable.

As I am reading the chapter on the pros and cons of medical interventions in a guide for birthing, the sub-chapter on episiotomy makes me recall my very first interview with an obgyn. I will never forget her and the way she treated me. 

Tonight, it just occurred to me, that her behaviour did not just insult my intelligence, but also lowered her own self-worth to a low level: pride does just that. It does one no good to feel you tower above others for who you are and what you have or learned; feeling and behaving so just diminishes the person to a mere despicable person; an insult to others and an insult to the very essence of being human. Because humans are noble.

I would like to say that doctors are more likely prone to this behaviour, especially those labelled ‘specialists’, but it is unfair and unjust to say so. Anyone is prone to it. Sometimes we find that people of no position or authority may also be diseased with it for the reason of suffering from inferiority complex; needing something or anything to feel greater and better than other people.

What exactly happened? Two years ago, pregnant with my first child, armed with a little reading about alternatives to medical interventions and an inquisitive mind, I ‘interviewed’ a potential care-provider about the necessity of an episiotomy. Her answer, and her tone of voice left me silent for a long time after our meeting:

“You would prefer for me to let you tear up to your anus? What in the world gave you the idea that you can avoid an episiotomy? Just because you read some stuff on the internet doesn’t mean anything at all. Stuff on the internet can sway you in whatever direction the website is advocating. Who went to medical school? You or me?”

But I am the type of person, who prefer to give people chances. Similarly when I walk up into a store and I am not greeted at all nor am I attended to, I give the attendants second chances by approaching them instead and making enquiries. So in this obgyn’s case, I proceeded to ask her about what is normally practiced when labor is not progressing, i.e the birthing mother is not dilating well? Her answer and her tone of voice affected me again.

“How am I supposed to know? You are not in labor now!”

Sometimes I can get quite relentless in giving people chances. I like to be given chances and I therefore, like to give people numerous chances. 

“Does this hospital accept birth plans?”

“What’s a birth plan?”

“Look, choosing me to be your doctor, you have to give me full POWER to make decisions.”

Trust, doctor. Not power. You, and other people like you whether they are doctors or not, are a disgrace to humankind. You, are not an expert about the birthing body. Allah is. You should not act and speak so arrogantly as if you are extremely well versed about the birthing woman’s body and thus the birthing woman is a total nimcompoop who needs to surrender herself to you.

Even practitioners who have been in the field longer like Dr. Sears and his wife sound very modest and down-to-earth in their writing, always being careful to say when something is open to change. Oh, please. Especially in the medical field? Especially in the medical field, how could you not realize it and humble yourself to Allah and man, when what is ‘truth’ and ‘fact’ and ‘safe’ today can change in a blink of an eye by means of study, research, and discovery? I.e exposure of x-rays to the unborn foetus. 

Ugh! Man(kind) and their need to feel superior!

Pregnancy Diary: Reminiscing second pregnancy's 1st trimester

pic googled

Bismillahhirrahmannirrahim

This time around, it is my first time with a child to look after. The first pregnancy was a surprise (though highly awaited) but so is this one; a complete surprise. During the first trimester of my first pregnancy, I was working at a Day Care. Eventhough for the first three months I didn’t eat the ‘staple food’ (rice), but I ate and rested during children’s naptimes. 

However, by my second pregnancy, I am already a working at home mom. I remember periods of utter fatigue, not being able to rise from bed. It is funny how men seem to ridicule it (women’s behaviour during pregnancy); no wonder they need to be told by the Prophet s.a.w to honour their mother three times, and to be responsible for and gentle to women: men simply have no idea how hard the female body works. This can be easily curbed by explaining the science of it; if they care to listen.

There were days in certain months which I felt so fatigued that I sent my firstborn to day care; much to my hubby’s confusion. He was confused because he simply could not understand how fatigued could I get from being a wahm? It was not housechores; it was my internal organs working like mad to engineer another perfect human being. Subhanallah. Praise be to Allah Who created, designed, engineered, the very complex and astounding system of the female body: inside and outside. 

My second pregnancy began to become more ‘bearable’ around my fifth month, especially since my migraine attacks were less severe. But by my fifth month of gestation, I started to feel bulky and heavy and started to wonder, if I already FEEL bulky and heavy NOW (notwithstanding if I LOOK pregnant or not), how will I feel in my final months?

And now here I am, in my seventh, looking down at the bulge under me and thinking: that’s ALL baby, not even one inch of me. Onlookers still do not notice my bump, especially when I am sitting down, and sometimes not even when I am standing up! But I, notice and feel my bump very much, thank you.

Sometimes I feel that I am less prepared for my second birthing experience than I was for my first. Though I have more information now, but I have less time to practice. I am a person who treasure ‘quiet’ times, and even as a mother of one (boy, pre-schooler) quiet times to fill with practice is hard to come by. Especially since quiet times are mostly filled with simply sleep and rest. :D

But I want to be prepared; birthing has not yet become a mere passing event to me, and I want each birthing event to be special. To be especially calm and an event by which use as a beacon to become closer, more aware and more thankful to my Creator. Not a mere pain to be endured. No, I don’t want my birthing event to be merely that. Birthing is not an everyday activity to a woman, and I want mine to be special and meaningful.

Free Verse: Absence of Zaujah

pic googled

Sometimes it’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And I wish your fondness for me is rooted in your belief in Allah,

And thus it would change you, because you love Allah,

Thus you want to be an obedient and pleasing servant.

Seeking His pleasure by being a good husband.

Because Allah loves good husbands.

Sometimes it’s true that absence and distance is good,

It lets me press pause. Review. Rearrange. Refresh.

Something you are yet to understand.

But it is something I need.

I need to take a breather. To sit back.

To clear my head. To readjust, reprogram. I wish Allah will make you understand, because I can’t.

I want my love for you to always be rooted in my belief in Allah.

I want to do things as a wife, because I love Allah,

Thus I want it to be, that I am doing this, to please Allah, and to please you,

If it pleases both. Because Allah loves good wives.

I am a forgetful and hasty, impatient and angry human. I frequently forget to trust in Allah.

Forget to be patient. Refuse to be patient. I choose to be frustrated.

And I need time, to sit back, press pause, review, and choose to be patient.

To be good, obedient, and a wife to you, whom Allah is pleased with.

It is a daily, conscious decision and choice that needs to be remembered. And I often forget.

They say absence is good, sometimes.    

04.01.2011